This has been a tough rotation, and this news certainly did nothing to make life any easier. It's especially difficult to plead with God in accordance with His promises in Ezek. 18:23 and 33:11 that He takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that the wicked turn. It is difficult to struggle with the understanding that God is sovereign, and knowing that He has the power to save but up until this point that salvation has been withheld from some of those whom I love the most, as far as I am able to observe. I believe I’ve been granted special insight into Paul’s feelings as he penned Romans 9:1-5, that he would willingly be cut off from Christ if that meant salvation for his kinsmen. I know he wrote that with the understanding that salvation can never be lost or revoked, but I certainly identify with the grieved spirit that was being displaying there. I’m also understanding and having to grab hold of the sovereignty displayed in the rest of Romans 9, knowing that we are the work of the Potter, as such it is not our place to question His motives. Just as a child does not have the authority to question the motives of a parent, so we must submit as children under the understanding and authority of God. In all this, I also identify with the great sorrow in Jeremiah’s heart as he wrote Lamentations 3, sometimes I too feel as though my thirst is being quenched with wormwood, and even so there is hope in the midst of it all. I have come to learn the bittersweet grief of Job 5:18 and even more than ever I cling to the promises of God’s willingness to display mercy. I have seen firsthand the mercies God has doled out, providing many opportunities to sinners like me to repent, yet they still refuse His grace. Lastly I’m reminded of Psalm 90, not only are we to count our days, but I am crying out that God not forget his promise to comfort us for the number of days He has afflicted us. This deployment has been hard, as I stated earlier, I feel as though I am languishing in spirit and much of my joy has been sapped from me. Yet, I must endure, marching ever forward toward not only my earthly enemies, but my spiritual ones as well. It’s hard to want to be a pillar of strength for those back home as well as maintain a grueling ops tempo, all while I seek to encourage my mom and pray myself into exhaustion over my father. I feel very tired, even when I turn to the Word for comfort many of the words feel hollow, as if God has separated himself as far from me as he has me from my sin. Yet, even in the midst of all this, much of the time I find myself repeating Spurgeon’s quote on prayer, it's already posted on here, but it bears repeating.
Never give up praying, not even though Satan should suggest to you that it is in vain for you to cry unto God. Pray in his teeth; “pray without ceasing.” If for awhile the heavens are as brass and your prayer only echoes in thunder above your head, pray on; if month after month your prayer appears to have miscarried, and no reply has been vouchsafed to you, yet still continue to draw nigh unto the Lord. Do not abandon the mercy-seat for any reason whatever. If it be a good thing that you have been asking for, and you are sure it is according to the divine will, if the vision tarry wait for it, pray, weep, entreat, wrestle, agonize till you get that which you are praying for. If your heart be cold in prayer, do not restrain prayer until your heart warms, but pray your soul unto heat by the help of the everblessed Spirit who helpeth our infirmities. If the iron be hot then hammer it, and if it be cold hammer it till you heat it.
So here I am, in the wilderness, hammering that icy cold iron, in hopes that the heat will return, praying that I will one day be able to rejoice and bow before the throne of my heavenly Father, side-by-side with those who are most dear to me on this earth.
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